Aqua Addicts University

INTRO:

Matt: Greetings mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and potential new students! My name is Matt, and I will be your tour guide for Aqua Addicts University. I will show you as the semester goes by, all of the great opportunities that AAU has to offer. Today is move in day, and as you can imagine, move in day can be a very chaotic and emotional time. But if you look to your left, you will see how we do move in day at AAU.

1. Barefoot Pyramids: Move in day – We move in our freshmen very fast at AAU in order to offer the easiest adjustment for all parties involved. Please welcome – coming in at 46 mph, our new freshmen and their families.

2. Opening pyramid: Pyramids of excellence – Knowledge, experience, and success are the three pyramids that are the foundation of Aqua Addicts University. The middle pyramid of AAU is essential to the foundation of this University, and it is the pyramid of knowledge. We believe that if the pursuit of knowledge is essential for any individual and is something that we want our students learns from their classes and their personal experience at AAU. The outer pyramids are experience and success. We believe that if we can offer you the proper knowledge that you want to achieve here at AAU, it will open up new experiences and future successes for our students.

3. Jumping: Professors: Here at AAU, we have some of the best professors in the nation. Our professors offer a diverse learning environment that fosters personal achievement and self-recognition. If you turn to your left, you will see the first set of professors. They are willing to up and around to offer you the best education this country has to offer, and they will do a _______...

Comedy: (Clay and Jeff are two 8^th year undergrads at AAU. They are both members of Sigma Kappa Iota ((∑KI)) and are both dim witted and very slow. Channel stereotypical Frat boy as much as you can. Clay and Jeff, two fraternity brothers wearing Sigma Kappa Iota shirts, Visors, Aviators, cargo shorts, paddles, and koozies of diet coke... joke comes later)

Matt: Wow those professors are absolutely fantastic they really do everything in their power to offer the best education possible to our students at AAU. Speaking of students, here comes two right now! Excuse me gentlemen, can I please ask you some questions? I am giving a tour today of our wonderful campus and I wanted to show our tour examples of some fine upstanding upperclassmen.

Clay: Sure thing Bro Chauco

Jeff: We're down Bro Montana

Matt: (starting to think he made a bad idea... continues on) How long have you two been in college?

Clay: (Proudly) Eight years!

Matt: (excited that his companions might not be idiots) That's great! So that's four years each for a combined eight years right?

Jeff: (confused) whoa... Bro-ta-toe... we're not Einstein's (pronounced Eye-n-steens) or something like that.

Matt: (disappointed, realizes he's dealing with idiots) Obviously (shakes head)

so... why haven't you two graduated yet? Most underclassmen who go to college for eight years almost have a PHD

Clay: What did you say Bro-bama?

Matt: (irritated) You know! A PHD! It's what to get in order to be a doctor.

Jeff: (idea) Well my bro-mo-sapien... we should have a PHD in hitting on girls, partying, and being awesome!

Clay: Yeah! Bro Nameth! AAU has really developed our awesomeness!

Matt: (almost furious, trying to keep it together, addresses the audience) Excuse me ladies and gentlemen for one moment. (pulls Jeff and Clay aside) Listen here you two! You must graduate AAU this year. You are tarnishing its reputation!

Jeff: But why would we want to leave?!

Clay: This place is awesome! It's full of freshmen girls!

Jeff: Yeah Bro-be-wan-kanobe, we keep on getting older, and they stay the same age!

Matt: (threatening) If you two don't graduate, I'll show everyone these newly photo shopped photos or you two wearing other fraternity letters....

Jeff: (shocked) Bro... Bro... BRO! NOT COOL BRO! Did you use some kind of voo doo magic or something?

Matt: (has the upper hand) So what if I did...? And enough with the bro stuff! You two will graduate this semester. And I'll tell ya what. (puts his arms around them) I'll even help you achieve your diplomas. Now get out of here and start studying! HOMEWORK, not GIRLS!

End Skit

4. Montage: Intermural Sports – Sorry about that delay ladies and gentlemen… Let’s continue our tour so I can show you some positive foundations of our University. If you will look to your left, you will get a sampling of a intermural sports division at AAU. Our intermural sports are unique to any other University in the country because we offer competitive intermural sports for waterskiing!

Strap Doubles/Swivel Tandem:

Trick Ski:

Wake Ski:

Swivel:

Sky Ski:

Shoe skiing: That’s right ladies and gentlemen, here comes the representative of the Shoe Skiing. The guy goes around, backwards, and forwards to impress his peers. Add lib for the rest…

Wakeboard:

Comedy: (Boat intro and then Tailgating skit… throw a bunch of random crap on the grill)

5. Big Act: Homecoming –

Swivel line:

Strap doubles:

Trios – Strap doubles – Trios:

Conventional doubles:

6. Barefoot Tricks: Foreign Exchange Students –

Barefoot Back Beach:

Barefoot Beach:

Barefoot Flip Starts:

Front to Back:

Tumble Turns:

Comedy – (Clay arrives on the scene wondering where all the girls are at)

Matt: Wow! Those foreign exchange students offer so much diversity and culture to our campus I can’t believe the talents and special abilities that these bright unique students have to offer.

Clay: (interrupting) Hey Matt: I have a problem with this establishmentarianism.

Matt: With what?

Clay: This establishmentarianism… You know (says is dumb voice) this establishment (off to the side) I add tarianism at the end of big words to make me sound more sophisticatedtarianism.

Matt: (matter of fact like) Clay, that is really stupid… (realizes what he just said)

I mean… (grabs Clay) here at AAU, we appreciate every unique and…

Clay: (Has finger in nose, looks at it, eats it, pauses like wine tasting) Made in 2002, what a good year!

Matt: (finishes) odd individual that attends here. (irritated) So my odd ball friend, what seems to be the problem…

Clay: (waiting, waving with his arms for him to continue with the word)

Matt: (defeated) With this establishmentarianism (shakes head)

Clay: WHERE ARE ALL THE BABES!

Matt: (taken aback) What do you mean?

Clay: You know babes! Women! Chicks!... That smell really nice and have great big… (motions at his breasts)

Matt: CLAY! COME ON NOW!

Clay: PERSONALITIES! Get your head out of my gutter Matt! I mean, those foreign exchange students were really cool and all, but where are the girls at?

Matt: Well Clay, if you wouldn’t have been so rude, I would have told you that they are coming up next….

Clay: Really?

Matt: Really!

7. Ballet Line: Sorority Girls – Not only does AAU offer dozens of opportunities for our incoming foreign exchange that students can participate in, we also offer Greek life to our students. We encourage our freshmen to participate in Rush week so they will be able to foster the true college experience, become more active in college activities, and make lifelong friends. If you will look to your left on the dock you will see a demonstration of what sorority life can offer to incoming freshmen girls. Every year at AAU we have a talent show and this year, the women of Alpha Alpha Alpha (AAA = Aberdeen Aqua Addicts) or Tri Alpha’s are ready to show off their moves. Let’s watch them now

Comedy – (Clay decides that he wants to partake in the talent contest as a late entry)

Matt: Weren’t those ladies absolutely divine? Well let’s keep this tour going. Next up is…

Clay: (Interrupting) – Matt! Matt!!

Matt: Excuse me again ladies and gentlemen… We will get this tour started momentarily…

(pulls Clay aside) What is it now?!

Clay: (still talking aside) I have my own routine for the talent show! I thought of it myself!

Matt: (aside) Is that so? Well as you already know, the registration is final. So you will be unable to perform your act at this time.

Clay: (dejectedly) But… It’s really good. I mean… I have been practicing really hard. The guys said I wasn’t allowed to be in the dance group because I am slow and have two right feet. (looks down) I am pretty sure that I have a left and a right foot… (thinking) though I may not be sure which is which. So I’ll just be on my way I guess… (Sad) I was just trying to show you that I change and be productive and stuff. (Starts to walk away)

Matt: (Guilty, still aside): Well… just wait a minute. Maybe I was too hard on him. (Addresses audience) Can I have your attention ladies and gentlemen! It appears that we will have two talent show entries left. So what do say ladies and gentlemen? Would you like to see Clay perform his talent act? (wait for applause) Alright Clay, the floor is yours

Clay: You really mean it?!? Alright! Just let me set up my equipment!

Matt: You have equipment? Where is it?

Clay: It’s part of the act… Duh! (Starts setting up the imaginary keyboard, drums, microphone guitar, and violin) I won’t let you down Matt!! Hit it Maestro!!!

(Clay performs minute long dance. Youtube “One Man Funky Town Performance” – has about 90,000 hits – If he can ham it up like the guy in the video, it should be really funny, think about trimming down the song a little bit too)

8. Barefoot Line: Fraternity Boys –

Matt: That was really good! Maybe you have changed your ways. Now coming up ladies and gentlemen is the final entry… And let me tell you, they love to make an entrance. Coming from your left here they are the men from SKI Fraternity! (They enter and land on stage) And here they are… the final entry for the talent show.

(They do their dance)

Matt: Well that was fantastic… What do you think ladies and gentleman? So who will win AAU’s 2012 talent show? The Lovely Sorority girls? Clay? Or the gentlemen of SKI Fraternity??

(No matter what give it to Clay)

Clay: Thank you! Thank you! I knew I could impress you Matt:

Matt: Now this is rush week for Greek life at AAU and our fraternities and sororities are really excited to bid their new pledges into Greek life. Let’s take a gander at the gentlemen from SKI fraternity to see how they pledge their new recruits.

Comedy: Fraternity Skit –

(Cut to: Inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him. Enter Guy 1,2, & 3 ((I would pick Jess John and Jordan)) and a pledge ((Tyler unless he is doing tandem then find someone else… Maybe Justin if he comes back. J))

Guy 1: On your knees pledge!

Guy 2: Take off that blindfold!

Guy 3: Yeah, welcome to rush week!

Pledge : Guys, I really gotta go study.

Guy 3: Sigmas don't study, frosh!

Guy 1: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!

Pledge: Sigma Kappa Iota!

[Guy 3 holds up a paddle.]

Guy 3: And what does this paddle say?

Pledge: Brotherhood is strength!

[Guy 2 hands Pledge a pamphlet.]

Guy 2: And what does this say?

Pledge: Uh..this is some kind of menu.

Guy 2: Okay! [He hands Pledge a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!

Guy 1: Read it!

Pledge: Uh...this is a water bill.

Guy 3: What does it say?!

Pledge: Uh...it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.

Guy 1: Put those together!

Guy 3: So it becomes one number!

[Pledge looks confused]

Pledge: You mean add them? It's $342.

Guy 2: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Pledge another piece of paper.]

Guy 1: Do it!

Guy 3: What does it say?!

Pledge: All right. Uh...it's a letter from your mom. [Pledge stands up.] It says "Dear, Travis. I'm starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home."

Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3: On your knees! Get on your knees!

Pledge: So wait....what are your guys' majors?

Guy 3: Sigma’s don't have majors. The only class we take is "Kicking Butt 101."

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Yeah! Guess what you get to do 'cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.

Guy 2: But, that's not all! You can explain what you're doing as you do it.

Guy 1: Yeah.

Guy 3: Yeah! [Pointing to Guy 1's shoe.] Explain how you do it!

Guy 1: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now!

[Pledge shuffles over to Guy 1 on his knees.]

Pledge: Okay, okay. [He takes Guy 1's shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.

Guy 1: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!

Pledge: Alright, so you take the left loop -

Guy 2: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?

Pledge: Oh wow...

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!

Pledge: I'm on my knees.

Guy 1: Good, 'cause it's time for a pop quiz!

Guy 3: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price!

[All three get real close to Pledge .]

Guy 2: A baby's inside a mommy's tummy -

Guy 1: That's right.

Guy 2: - and then, all of a sudden, the baby's at home. Explain that.

[Pledge wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]

Pledge: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she's dilated, okay?

[The three frat members look confused.]

Pledge: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3: Yeah, yeah.

Guy 3: I like that one!

Guy 2: Good answer.

Pledge: Aww, it must be hard for you guys -

Guy 3: [with fist clenched] The only thing that's hard is this punch I can do.

Pledge: Aww.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!

Guy 1: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now!

[Guy 1 gives the can to Pledge.]

Pledge: This is not a beer.

[The three frat members look confused.]

Guy 2: What does it say?

Pledge: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.

Guy 2: I thought it said Lite Beer!

Guy 3: Yeah! It's Lite Beer because it's four letters, a space, and then four letters.

Guy 1: Yeah, four space four!

Pledge: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.

Guy 1: You...you...

[The three are confused yet again.]

Guy 3: But...

Guy 1: How the...

Pledge: You know what guys, I'm gonna head out. I don't really want to pledge this frat anymore.

[The three look annoyed.]

Guy 2: There's only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!

Pledge: What's that?

Guy 1: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]

Pledge: Okay, go ahead.

Guy 2: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?

Guy 3: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!

Guy 2: What's an Obama!?!

Guy 1: What is it?

Pledge: All right, that's a lot of questions, you guys.

Guy 1: Aww, what's the matter? Did we scare the little baby?

Guy 2: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?

Guy 1: Yeah, from earlier.

[Guy 2 and Guy 1 high five each other.]

[Pledge is smiling and shaking his head.]

Pledge: Um...okay, okay. I'll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.

Guy 2: Well, um, should we get on our knees?

Pledge: Yes, that'd be great.

[Pledge walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]

Pledge: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine...

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3: Ah yeah!

End Skit

10. One Act Show: Finals Time tutoring –

Matt: Ummm... I am really sorry ladies and gentlemen that you had to see that. I promise you that at AAU, we have the brightest of the bright the best of the best. And if our students are having difficulty with their studies… or motivation, like the brothers from SKI, we offer elite tutoring program like none other. In fact, it is the world’s first of its kind. If you look to your right, you’ll see two GA’s or graduate assistants and strapped to their backs are two of the gentlemen from SKI. Those Two GA’s are going to tow the gentlemen of SKI university all the way over to the dock so they can pick up their other students for finals prepreation. A prebuilt study program that is all ready to prepare them for finals and a doubles pair that are coming along for the ride too. What is going to happen next is exclusive to AAU. The GA’s like to share their information and study material to their students by literally showing them the ropes and breaking all of the information so that their pupils can finally learn what they can in order to graduate. So coming into that jump at 40 mph, the GA’s will step out of their skis, and after learning all of the information necessary in order to pass their group assignment, the two fraternity brothers will demonstrate their knowledge in the air with a heli and a front flip. We call this: the Backbreaker One Act Show!

Comedy – Clay: (enters bellowing Matt’s name) MATT! MATT! MATT!!!!

Matt: Excuse me once again ladies and gentlemen… What is it now Clay!

Clay: Matt: I am really nervous about my exams! Like super nervous! I don’t know what to do!

Matt: Well why don’t you talk to a councelor, he might be able to help you through your nervousness and also fix some other apparent deep seeded problems.

Clay: I ain’t goin to no quack Matt! But funny you might mention the word help… I looked on the internet and found a list of great ways to prepare myself while I am taking a test.

11. ATB/BATB: AAU Charity finals  –

Comedy: (Clay takes final in a desk, dub over while he is taking a test so the audience can hear what he is thinking. Think of some questions that he is answering, and come up with some funny and some realistic answers.)

Q: If a jumper is moving leaves dock a traveling at 32 mph and a swivel skier leaves dock b traveling 14.56754mph when will they meet?

A: Where ever the swivel skier fell first.

Q: If Little Crow had 5 former professional water skiers in 2006 and 0 in 2011? Where did all of their professional water skiers go?

A: Midwest ski otters

12. Jumpers: Blowing off some steam after finals – 

Comedy: Clay finally graduates! Gives a funny commencement speech to this years graduates

13. Final Pyramid: Welcome the class of 2012 from Aqua Addict University and their families –